sherri shepherd, and of course, tomorrow night, arsenio hall >> announcer: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. that's what i'm talking about. i feel the love. i feel the energy. i feel the love. thank you, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. we're gonna have fun tonight. we're gonna have fun tonight. hey, some -- some big news out of the white house. this weekend, president obama will visit the border that separates north and south korea. and not to be outdone, newt gingrich will visit the border that separates the kfc from the taco bell. [ laughter ] hey, this is a true story about mitt romney. you guys know there's a robot running for president, right? [ laughter ] anyways -- how cool is that? [ laughter ] while touring google's offices yesterday -- this is a true story -- romney saw a lava lamp on someone's desk and said, "that's a big lava lamp. congratulations." [ laughter ] ironically, the lava lamp was better at natural conversation than mitt romney.

[ laughter ] [ as romney ] "that's a decent key chain you have there. you roll your sleeves up and -- and you don't." [ laughter ] "get me out of here. get me out of here." not good with the conversation. "that's a big lava lamp. congratulations." [ laughter ] what? get this. yesterday, energy secretary steven chu said that he would give himself an a for controlling the cost of gas. on behalf of americans, i'd like to give him an f. [ light laughter ] and a u. [ cheers and applause ] $5 a gallon for gas? you turkey! here's some big celebrity news. it's rumored that "jersey shore" star "the situation" has checked himself into rehab. [ audience aws ] man, it always happens to the ones you totally expect. you know -- [ laughter ]

that's what i've always said. man, this is huge news. it looks like tim tebow might be traded to the new york jets, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ but apparently some jets players are not happy about it. yeah, they're called wide receivers. [ laughter ] they didn't -- they -- no way. "i'm never gonna see the ball." [ applause ] "he won't throw it." you guys hear this? there's rumors going around that kim kardashian wants to adopt a child. [ audience groans ] you can tell orphans are nervous. even oliver twist was like -- [ british accent ] "you know what, i'm good on soup. sorry for complaining. i'm sorry." ♪ you turkey! [ laughter ] hey, this is pretty interesting, you guys. i read that president obama's calling on iran to give its citizens better access to the internet. yeah. right now the only social

networking site they have is "cover your facebook." and so they -- they need -- [ audience groans ] they need better -- [ light laughter ] thank you. and finally, did you hear about this? cnn political reporters john king and dana bash are separating after four years of marriage, which explains why today she was like, "and that's the latest from the white house. back to you, small penis." [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ >> jimmy: oh man, it's gonna be a fun one tonight. thank you for joining us. spending your time with us. i appreciate you guys. i got to tell you guys about this. this is huge. this saturday night at 6:30 eastern on facebook, i'm going to break the internet by interviewing the one and only madonna, you guys. that's right. [ cheers and applause ]

she has a new album coming out march 26th called "mdna," and this interview with me is the only live press she's doing for the whole thing. [ cheers and applause ] it's crazy. i'm honored. but we're gonna take questions from fans on facebook. the whole thing will be broadcast live around the world. so, if you're in poland watching our show right now, get your questions ready for me or madonna. [ light laughter ] like i'm gonna get any questions. [ laughter ] so, again, it's me and madonna this saturday, 6:30 p.m. eastern on facebook. go to latenightwithjimmyfallon.com if you don't understand facebook. [ light laughter ] it's gonna be awesome, you guys. i'm psyched. this saturday. [ cheers and applause ] it's gonna be a party. "mdna." we have a huge show tonight. she is the beautiful, the talented star of the movie everybody's dying to see, "the hunger games." jennifer lawrence is here! [ cheers and applause ] she's great.

also in the house, a six-time wwe world champion and a great entertainer. chris jericho is stopping by! [ cheers and applause ] and we have one of my favorite comediennes. wendy liebman is here! oh, man. [ cheers and applause ] wendy liebman in the house. it's gonna be fun. i love her. hey -- hey, guys, i noticed this -- this trend on facebook where people will post an image of an inspiring quote on their wall for everyone to see, you know. the quote is usually by someone famous, like an actor or politician or historical figure. i love reading them, but sometimes i'll read one and i'll think, "they didn't say that." [ light laughter ] you know -- but it can be hard to tell 'cause no one checks these quotes to see if they're real or not, so -- i'll show you guys what i'm talking about in my new segment called "don't quote me." ♪ ♪ don't quote me 'cause i'm -- ♪ >> jimmy: now, this first quote is from one of my favorite literary and film characters,

gandalf, the wizard from "lord of the rings." [ laughter ] he says, "the wizard is never late nor is he early. he arrives precisely when he means to." that's definitely something gandalf would say. it's also a wise and it's great excuse for being late. here's a -- but here's another gandalf quote. "every sword needs to be polished before battle, especially the one underneath my robe." [ laughter and applause ] dirty. that sounds like a dirty wizard. i don't think that's real. this next quote is from mitt romney. he says, "i am in favor of stem cell research. i am not in favor of creating new human embryos through cloning." that sounds like something romney would say because -- it puts me to sleep. [ laughter ] so here's another quote -- from romney. it says "i love vanilla ice cream so much, sometimes i'll look at a fresh scoop and think, 'damn girl, you nasty!'" [ cheers and applause ]

what? no way -- he said that. this next one is from a pretty smart dude, albert einstein. he said, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." that's so true. and here's another one from einstein. "linsanity is winning a bunch of games and then a month later, nobody cares." [ cheers and applause ] pretty true, too. our next quote is from one of my favorite authors of all times, dr. seuss. "today, you are you. that is truer than true. there is no one alive that is you-er than you." i love that one. cute. here's another one -- a dr. seuss quote. "don't be a hater. what you doin' later? let's grab a drink, then i'll touch your potaters." [ laughter ] "i'll grab your fonfloozle. you'll grab my hartoozle. then you'll grab my dondoozle. before you know it, we'll both be doing the sloozle bondoozle!" i don't -- [ cheers and applause ]

what? "sloozle bondoozle"? he didn't say that. maybe at a bar. maybe once he might have said that. [ light laughter ] this next one is from one of the gop front-runners, rick santorum. he said, "i always say, if you want to know what foreign policy position to take, find out what joe biden's position is and take the opposite opinion, and you'll be right 100% of the time." [ audience ohs ] wow. really going after biden there, right? well, don't worry because biden took a swing back at him in this next quote. "he said that, really? well, i always say if you want to know what sub you should y! order at subway, find out what rick santorum ordered and then order the opposite of that, and you'll have a great sub 100% of the time." [ applause ] i think santorum wins that round. here's another quote from one of the gop contenders, newt gingrich. he says, "i believe we will elect a new president in 2012."

he did say that. i believe that because he is running for president. let's see what else he believes. "i believe i will have the mozzarella sticks." [ laughter ] that might be a real quote. [ applause ] i love this next one. it's from rex harrison, a famous british actor from the '40s and '50s. he said, "exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you and just before you realize what's wrong with it." happens to me all the time. [ light laughter ] here's another one from rex. "there was a time in hollywood you could kill a hobo at 10:00 a.m. and be out of jail by noon. god, i miss those days." [ laughter and applause ] you used to be able to get away with a lot of stuff back then. it's weird. we're down to our last quote, there, from president obama. he said, "change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. we are the ones we've been waiting for. we are the change that we seek." pretty famous quote. i love that one. here's another obama quote. "joe biden creates the best subs at subway. seriously, i don't know how he does it.

i'll say to him, 'what's in this thing?' and he'll smirk and wink and say, 'magic.'" [ cheers and applause ] that's all the time we have for "don't quote me." stick around, everybody! we'll be right back with more "late night." come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm a lobster girl. top quality lobster is all we catch. [ male announcer ] don't miss red lobster's lobsterfest. the only time of year you can savor 12 exciting lobster entrees,

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show, everybody. thank you so much for tuning in, guys. i've got to tell you something. i love crackers. i like their crispiness. i like their breadiness. but most of all, i like to put stuff on them before i pop them in my food hole. [ light laughter ] that's why it's time for our next game, "put it on a cracker!" [ cheers and applause ] ♪ put it on a cracker >> jimmy: all right. let's meet tonight's contestants. come on over, guys. hey. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

how you doing, buddy? hey, pal. nice to see you. very good. welcome to "put it on a cracker." or, as it's known it china, "put it on the bing gan." [ light laughter ] if you forgot the rules, here they are. first, you'll put on a blindfold that you're holding in your hand. then you'll start the cracker stacker simply by shouting your name so the system recognizes you, gently stepping on the foot-activated initiator button, then pulling down on this lever here. [ mechanical noises ] this machine is completely necessary. [ laughter ] and very easy to use. [ light laughter ] a series of foods will scroll by and whichever three foods it lands on, you have to eat that on a cracker. after you eat the cracker, you must guess what three foods were on it. you'll earn 10 points for each correct guess. the contestant with the most points wins. you guys ready to play? >> yeah. >> jimmy: cool. all right, contestant number two, go stand over there, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] all right, my friend, what is your name and where are you from? >> andre, and i'm from woodbridge, connecticut. >> jimmy: andre from woodbridge, connecticut. welcome. welcome to the show, my friend. now, put on your blindfold

please. i'd like to point out that here on our show we're trying to be green, so you'll be wearing this blindfold made out of 100% recycled dirty garbage. [ laughter and groans ] we're going to activate the slot machine here to see what you'll be eating. remember, you're going to say your name loudly, all right, so that the system recognizes you. here you go. just want to make sure it's on. gently step on the foot-activated initiator button. then, pull the lever. you're in for a real treat. go for it, buddy. [ light laughter ] gently put your foot on the initiator button. gently. gently. press -- press down. there you go. [ mechanical sounds ] pull the lever! say your name. >> andre! [ xylophone ] >> jimmy: close enough, close enough. it worked somehow. [ ding ] [ ding ] [ ding ] there's your three -- [ audience groans ] -- ingredients. seem like -- seem like winners. let's bring out the cracker with

the three ingredients on it. ♪ [ laughter ] hey, buddy. cool sunglasses, man. >> thanks. my mom let me wear them. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, buster brown, put your hand out. there's your crack-or as they call it in -- [ laughter and applause ] they don't call it -- sorry -- >> they call it that in france? >> jimmy: they do. a crack-or. [ laughter ] just want to remind you chewing is not required, but it's highly recommended. whenever you're ready you may eat the crack-or. [ light laughter ] ♪ yeah, go for it. take the whole thing in there. he's only going to eat three-quarters of it. interesting technique. [ light laughter ] a lot of things going around in your brain there. brains being blown up with all the tastes being exploding in -- you're going for more. confusing. all right. [ light laughter ] what are you thinking, my main man? what were the ingredients on the cracker?

>> i'm thinking, brownies? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> and cheese whiz, or something? >> jimmy: yeah, definitely. >> and maybe gummies? gummies -- gummy bears? >> jimmy: if we went with -- if we did it with first letters you would have won, i think. [ laughter ] why don't you take a look? take off your dirty blind fold and see what you -- actually -- yeah, yeah, you're totally wrong. you're happy with yourself. all right, good for you. [ laughter and applause ] thank you, buddy. get lost. get out of here. ♪ [ applause ] you'll definitely do better than that gentleman. what is your name and where are you from? >> danielle from parker, colorado. >> jimmy: hey, welcome danielle, from colorado. very good. welcome. nice to have you here. [ applause ] danielle, put on your blindfold, please. now remember, these are made out of a garbage we scraped from the bottom of a dumpster. now, it's on your face. [ light laughter ] and before we begin, let's take another look at contestant number one. [ laughter ] all right, great.

contestant number two -- [ laughter ] you're going to start the cracker stacker -- -- to see what you'll be eating. it's going to be delicious. it's going to be fantastic. it's going to be magic. it's going to be a fun time. so, go ahead and start that cracker stacker! [ light laughter ] yep, name first. name first. yell it. >> danielle! >> jimmy: yep, foot -- gently -- foot stomp. [ mechanical sounds ] yep, and lever! lever! lever! lever -- lever! get in there. yeah! get 'er done! [ xylophone ] here we go. very good job. [ ding ] [ ding ] [ ding ] okay. [ audience ohs ] this one's going to be real good. now, before we bring out the cracker, here's a brief word from the chef who's preparing today's food. >> all my food is made fresh.

[ coughs ] let's bring out a cracker with the three ingredients on it. [ laughter ] ♪ hey, buddy. what happened to your sunglasses? >> my mom saw that i was wearing them and she yelled at me. [ light laughter ] [ audience aws ] okay. please hold your hand out. all right, now, contestant number two, when you're ready, you may eat the cracker. ♪ >> audience: eww! >> jimmy: go for it. [ audience groans ] no, no, it's good. it's good. no, it's good. you're making a face that says, "mmm, that's delicious." [ light laughter ] all right. a lot of things going on in your brain there. a lot of massaging of the frontal lobe. what adjectives can you say that describes what you're tasting right now? >> um, interesting. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, that's good. one adjective. [ laughter ] can you name the three ingredients? >> um, a pickle? >> jimmy: oh, okay.

>> mustard. >> jimmy: yeah. >> um -- turkey? [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: judges? judges? no. they said no. [ buzzer ] we can't take that. take off your toxic blindfold and see what -- it was there -- cucumber, mustard, cocoa puffs is what it was. now, let's bring contestant number one back to see who earned the most points. ♪ it looks like contestant number two has the most points with -- [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. this is very big. we have a winner, which means you'll be going home with a $300 gift certificate to whole foods. whole foods market, it's the world's largest retailer of natural and organic foods. you'll find not only a wide variety of crackers there, but also a seemingly endless amount of food items to put on a cracker. thank you very much. but don't worry. nobody goes home empty handed here. as a consolation prize, you get a $150 gift certificate to whole

foods. [ cheers and applause ] hey, buddy. how you doing, buddy? >> my mom said i could wear my sunglasses again! >> jimmy: well, then just put them on. >> okay. oh, no. they broke. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's all the time we have for "put it on a cracker." [ cheers and applause ] stick around. be right back with jennifer lawrence, everybody! congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ hailey ] my blackberry is part of every cupcake i make.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is an oscar-nominated actress who's starring in the widely anticipated movie, "the hunger games," which is in theaters everywhere this friday. please welcome back to our show, the lovely jennifer lawrence!

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm going hungry i'm going hungry yeah yeah i'm going hungry i'm going hungry yeah ♪ >> my favorite guys. >> jimmy: yeah, you love the roots. you were hanging out -- >> terrorizing them in the hallways. >> jimmy: yeah. >> captain crunch, how are you? sorry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's captain kirk, yeah? >> right. captain crunch. >> jimmy: captain crunch. i love it. thank you so much for coming back to our show. >> of course, thank you for inviting me. >> jimmy: everybody is talking about "hunger games." freaking out. people are going bonkers. i saw people waiting in line in the streets just to even come in to our show. people were out in barnes & noble. i don't know what you did there. are you signing books? >> yeah. yeah, we did a book signing. >> jimmy: i mean, people are sleeping in the streets for, like, days. >> i know. i know. that's -- it's -- >> jimmy: not good for the system. >> it's nuts. it's -- no. not normal. >> jimmy: people are just screaming for you, going crazy. >> yeah, there's lots of screaming. every time i get out of the car i keep thinking there's a famous -- a real famous person behind me. like, every time i get out of

the car i'm like, "oprah!" >> jimmy: but it's you. >> the other night, like in a split second, my brain went like, "hulk hogan's here." i don't know why. >> jimmy: i always think that hulk hogan -- >> he's everywhere. >> jimmy: him and oprah travel in the same circle. yeah, they really do. [ laughter ] but, you've been traveling all over the world for this and i know -- but this is getting in the -- this is like the "harry potter" type of vibe. >> god, i wish. no, we were traveling first class, and i always feel like an idiot every time i fly first class because i'm a kid. and i just sit there and, like, everybody's got their newspapers and they're like on the computer. and i'm like, "can i get a coloring book, please?" [ laughter ] and so, we were like -- >> jimmy: i'd like some hot chocolate please. >> yeah, can i get some crayons? >> jimmy: -- spell letters backwards. >> so we were with the -- i was with the boys and we were -- i had ordered a glass of wine. and then -- >> jimmy: good. very adult. >> and i was in this really intense conversation with the guys and then she dropped off the wine and i was like, "yes, because the ministry had taken over hogwarts at the time. that's why" -- thank you. thank you very much. >> jimmy: you were talking about "harry potter." very, very adult conversation. >> yeah, exactly. like, "it was different at hogwarts." thank you so much. >> jimmy: well, this is going to be like -- this is going to be like "harry potter." you're basically the female "harry potter." >> i wish.

god. >> jimmy: well, it's a franchise. it's gigantic. >> i know. we need more magic. >> jimmy: it's a great movie, by the way. >> thank you. thank you very much. >> jimmy: congratulations. we saw it last night and it's -- it's awesome. you guys are going to love it. first of all, you get your money's worth. it's 2 1/2 hours. [ scattered cheers ] it flies by. it feels like an hour. it feels like 45 minutes. >> right. >> jimmy: i'm like, "2 1/2 hours?" it's great. >> that's not what we should put on the poster, "2 1/2 hours." >> jimmy: no, but it -- in this economy, you want to get your money's worth. that's what you're talking about. yeah. right? >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what we want. but "the hunger games" -- it's a great book. smash -- i mean, with a 23 million copies sold or something crazy? >> i keep hearing different numbers, so i don't know. >> jimmy: i just made that up, so that's fine. it doesn't matter. [ laughter ] but it's a great read. you can read it in a week if you -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- because you get right into it. you're like, oh, my gosh. >> the books are amazing. yeah, i read them in like three days. >> jimmy: do you want to explain -- well, i read them in two days. i was just saying -- [ laughter ] it's funny -- probably read slower than i do. but it's not a big deal. [ laughter ] it took me two weeks. big deal. [ light laughter ] do you want to let everyone know what "hunger games" is about? >> yes. i'm really bad at this. it's about a young girl who's chosen to fight in a televised

game to the death. >> jimmy: that's perfect. >> that was better than i thought it was going to be. >> jimmy: you summed it up, yeah. 'cause it's like an extreme reality tv show. >> i always start stuttering every time i start talking about the movie. it's weird. >> jimmy: we cured your stutter. >> yeah. >> jimmy: we did it. right here! come on, i knew we were going to do it. [ cheers and applause ] >> woo! >> jimmy: in this movie, you're very physical. a lot of -- a lot of rolling down hills. that scared me for you. >> yeah -- i know. >> jimmy: i was like, ooh, that's a tough one. >> i did -- most of the rolling they left me out of. i got to get out of those. but then, when it came to falling out of the tree, they're were like, "yeah, go for it." i'm like, "really? we don't have a lower limb?" i can't -- >> jimmy: can't i do the running? >> i can't run through a bush. >> jimmy: running is good, yeah. run through a bush. >> yeah. >> jimmy: see, come on. that's pretty -- >> bushes are scratchy. >> jimmy: that's a really thick bush. no, falling out of a tree, of course, they make you do. >> yeah. exactly. they're like, you don't have to run through the water, but fall out of the tree. >> jimmy: but it must be fun. i mean, gosh, you play a badass in this movie. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: and it's so good. it's like -- are you really good with a bow and arrow or it's just acting? >> i'm pretty good. i mean, i was trained by an olympian, so if i wasn't good, it would be my own fault.

>> jimmy: but weirdly enough, it was michael phelps. so he knows nothing about bow and arrow. [ laughter ] he doesn't know how to shoot a bow and arrow, but it was an olympian. >> yeah, but he went to the olympics. >> jimmy: she did go there. yeah, yeah. but, there's one scene -- we have a clip of the one scene that will get applause in the theater when you see it, which is pretty rad when -- basically, people are auditioning for this "hunger games" thing and you're on screen. and then, everyone just kind of plays you off because you miss the target and they go, "this girl's nothing." check out jennifer lawrence as katniss in "the hunger games." ♪ ♪ [ crowd chatter ]

[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> my dad -- when he saw that part, leans over and, like, hit my knee and went, "good job, jen." >> jimmy: good job. >> i was like, i didn't -- >> jimmy: where's dad from? where's mom and dad from? >> kentucky. >> jimmy: that's right. kentucky. gosh, that's right. well, say hi to your mom and dad. very proud of your daughter. she's killing it. oh, my gosh. she's so good. "the hunger games" is out friday. when we come back, jen and i are playing a game, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ cubby! step into the perpetual motion simulator! we're testing new degree, the only antiperspirant activated directly by movement. activating protection, bear!

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to our show! i am here with the lovely, the talented jennifer lawrence. "hunger games," right here, you guys! [ cheers and applause ] oh, boy! get ready. now, we are going to be going head to head in a random object three-point shootout. >> that's what's happening. >> jimmy: the rules are simple. we'll take turns shooting random objects at the hoop. each object is worth one point and the last object -- the money ball -- is worth two. high score wins. let's take a look at what we're shooting tonight. first, we have a mannequin head. [ light laughter ] [ scattered cheers ]

kind of like a katniss side pony to it. [ light laughter ] then, we have -- slinky. it's fun, it's a wonderful toy. it's fun for a girl or a boy. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] bucket of kfc. you know you wanna throw that! [ cheers and applause ] we've got a shammy shake. 'cause it's the time of year. very limited time. this and the mcrib. look out, you guys. [ light laughter ] then, for the money ball, we have a bow. i don't know how we're gonna throw this in the hoop, but somehow, one of us might get this in the hoop. okay, very good. jennifer, why don't you shoot first, okay? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and good luck. we'll start with the mannequin head. >> oh, right. okay. i was gonna go to -- >> jimmy: and this is worth one point. ♪ whoa. >> i did good. i did great. oh, my god. >> jimmy: stop, stop, stop! >> what? >> jimmy: stop. >> what? >> jimmy: just slow down. i gotta go now. >> lay off me! >> jimmy: i gotta go now! [ light laughter ] sorry if i -- sorry if i -- sorry of i -- manhandled you. >> are we on the same team or what? >> jimmy: here we go. ♪ you can't swap me. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] no, no, no. stop with the -- he goes last.

you go in order. slinky. >> back off. [ laughter ] [ sad tuba ] >> jimmy: you're getting violent. you gotta -- >> yeah, how do you throw the slinky? ♪ oh, damn it. [ audience ohs ] that was good. do i -- no. the whole bucket? >> jimmy: yeah. go for that bucket, man. >> such a waste. >> jimmy: we can eat them afterwards. oh, my gosh! [ cheers and applause ] [ sad tuba ] >> i really think under. >> jimmy: i wanna go over. ♪ [ audience ohs ] >> i still think it works. >> jimmy: i almost got one wing in there. all right, shamrock shake. >> i still think it works. >> jimmy: this is real. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> i took that so seriously. that was the most serious i've been in a while. oh! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: this is it. i don't know how this can possibly fit in a basketball hoop. ♪ >> all right. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ yeah. [ audience ohs ] [ sad tuba ] >> jimmy: i lost! the winner, right here! jennifer lawrence. [ cheers and applause ] random object three-point shootout! "the hunger games" is in theatres everywhere this friday. jennifer lawrence, once again, everybody. chris jericho joins us next. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm here at walmart with tiffany who drives around town looking for low prices. that burns a lot of gas. yep. want to see if this walmart low price guarantee can help you out with that? ok! every week they lower thousands of prices

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okay, people, let's get started. pete, did you forget yours? me pete, me use pen!

(laughter) sorry i'm late, i was in the 16th century looking for pete's pen. (laughter) guys, guys. take it easy, ok? pete's mom is videochatting me, and she wants her pen back! ok, alright, well. i just got one. so... yeah, you've got a little... yep, i can feel the wet patch. don't look at it. when it's on your mind, it's on ebay. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is one of the headliners at "wrestlemania 28," which is happening in miami on sunday, april 1st on pay-per-view. it's an insane lineup featuring the biggest names in the sport, including this guy. [ reverberating ] he's a six-time world champion and has collected over 30 professional championships during his legendary career. he is the only superstar who can truly be called "the best in the world." put it together for wwe

superstar chris jericho! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, chris jericho, we love you. welcome back to the show. i feel like -- >> -- hit with the smoke. it was right in my face this time. >> jimmy: that was a lot of smoke. >> you increased -- the budget is going up here 'cause the smoke was at least triple from what it was last time i was here. [ laughter ] it's amazing. >> jimmy: thank you. we're actually working with a different smoke company. >> much better. >> jimmy: these guys are much better. yeah. >> the roots, great job! i love it. i love it. >> jimmy: oh, we love them. come on, come on.

[ cheers and applause ] >> that's just -- awesome, man. >> jimmy: i live that -- 'cause not only are you a wwe superstar and really talented and funny, but you're also -- you're very musical. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you play in a band. you're in a band. >> yeah. >> jimmy: a metal band. >> a metal band. i mean, when i was a kid, i had two dreams. i wanted to be a wrestler and i wanted to be in a rock and roll band. and i was fortunate enough to have both those dreams come true and crazy enough to go for both of them. >> jimmy: backstage, we were talking and this thing is ridiculous. of course -- >> absolutely. >> jimmy: did you come up with -- it was your high school buddy? >> yeah. when i was in college, i actually just started wrestling. i had a roommate, and we would always -- we were obsessed with jean-claude van damme. >> jimmy: who wasn't? and who -- who isn't? >> and just how geniusly awesome/bad he was. so any song that came on the radio, i would change the lyrics of the chorus to van damme's name. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> and just whatever was playing at the time, i would just transpose the lyrics, so i was always listening to a lot of, like, '80s songs. >> jimmy: who wasn't? >> at the time. exactly. so, i mean, would you like to hear one of them? >> jimmy: can we just -- can we have a couple of them? [ cheers and applause ] >> there just happens to be -- be a microphone here. >> jimmy: we always have a mic here, ready to go. >> yeah, so it would be -- yeah, no -- it'd be like -- you

know. "can't touch this." the m.c. hammer classic and, you know, we can lay it down. maybe a little. can you give me something, quest? [ to the tune of "can't touch this" ] ♪ claude van damme [ laughter ] ♪ claude van damme claude van damme claude van damme ♪ [ to the tune of "sharp-dressed man" ] ♪ they come as runnin' just as fast as they can 'cause every girl's crazy 'bout claude van damme ♪ yeah! [ to the tune of "der kommissar" ] ♪ jean-claude van damme uh oh oh claude van damme is in town uh oh oh ♪ ♪ jean-claude van damme uh oh oh claude van damme is in town uh oh oh ♪ yeah! >> jimmy: that's what i'm talkin' about, my man! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i was thinkin' -- -- hit the high notes -- when you were playing "i'm goin' hungry" -- >> temple of the dog? >> jimmy: temple of the dog, "hunger strike." you do the high note? ♪ [ to the tune of

"hunger strike" ] ♪ jean-claude van damme jean-claude van damme yeah jean-claude van damme jean-claude van damme ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that wasn't bad, brother. i love that you do that stuff. >> hey. right now, vince mcmahon is having a heart attack. "why aren't you talking about 'wrestlemania'?! what are you doing?!" >> jimmy: well, we have to talk about "wrestlemania" 'cause it's giant. this is huge. this is the -- this is the biggest event in wrestling. >> still buzzing. you've never heard anything like that before. >> jimmy: i know. i love that. i love that you're so crazy. you come on and do -- play with it and have fun with us. >> this is the biggest "wrestlemania" of all time. >> jimmy: april 1st. >> april 1st in miami, all live on pay-per-view. >> jimmy: yep. >> it's -- you got the rock. >> jimmy: the rock. >> versus john cena. >> jimmy: gosh, i love both of those guys, so i'm really upset. >> big, big -- and then you have triple h against undertaker, which is his streak of 19-0 in "wrestlemanias." and then, my match is myself versus cm punk to see who the

best in the world is in the -- in wrestling. >> jimmy: what do you think of cm punk? >> he's a great performer and actually -- see, i'm always like -- i'm always about the storyline of what you're doing in wrestling. i mean, there's obviously the pomp and circumstance but you have to tell a great story getting to the match. if not, it's just two half-naked guys, slathered in oil, rolling around in their underwear. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> with each other. you know? >> jimmy: which, by the way, i should plug. i'm doing that event pay-per-view april 2nd. that's gonna be my thing. [ cheers and applause ] >> i've seen it. it's amazing. >> jimmy: it's pretty good, yeah. >> it's awesome stuff. >> jimmy: yeah. it's a terrible storyline. [ laughter ] it's just a guy trying to find himself. >> you want to have a great story because, like i said, that's what draws people in. and, in the wwe universe, i play, like, the real evil villain bad guy and some of the stuff i do, people get really angry at me. and -- i mean, they -- and when i see them on the street, they're like, "wow, you're actually a really nice guy." and i always tell them, you know, like -- like anthony hopkins doesn't walk down the street in a straightjacket -- [ laughter ] eating people's livers with a fine chianti.

he's playing apart, so -- i mean, i get tweets and emails and people threw rocks at my car a couple weeks ago 'cause i was so dastardly. [ audience aws ] aw! i know. and it was a rental! it was a taurus! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't a throw a rock at a taurus in america! >> come on! not in america, man! >> jimmy: not in america, you fool. well, watch -- >> exactly. >> jimmy: you guys, watch "wrestlemania 28." chris jericho! >> yes! >> jimmy: april 1st! pay-per-view, you guys! up next, stand-up from wendy liebman. see you after the break, you guys! chris jericho! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a very, very funny comedienne who will be headlining the "woman in comedy" festival in boston, saturday march 24th. she's one of the greatest. give it up for wendy liebman, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> wow. thank you so much. i flew here from alaska, and it cost $2,200 to smoke on a plane, i found out. [ laughter ] now, i don't smoke anymore because this woman came up to me and she was like, "miss, your cigarette is bothering me." [ laughter ] and i'm like, "well, it's killing me." [ laughter ] "obviously, i don't care about me.

why would i care about you?" [ cheers and applause ] so, i was in alaska for three days and six nights. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] i stayed at the one season -- [ laughter ] -- hotel. and the walls in this hotel were so thin, the guy in the next room was spooning me. [ laughter ] i love to sleep. i talk in my sleep, according to my phone bill. [ laughter ] and i don't know about you, but i don't get enough sleep. i need like nine hours of sleep -- twice a day. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] and a nap. yeah. and um -- i love to sleep and i love to shop. like, i spend money like i have it. [ laughter ]

even my cash is bouncing. [ laughter ] i went to the bank to get a personal loan. the guy was like, "well, what is it for?" and i'm like, "it's personal." [ laughter ] so, this is awesome and a dream come true because i love jimmy fallon. [ cheers and applause ] and i love the roots. [ cheers and applause ] and i love new york. [ cheers and applause ] currently because this is where most of my family can't find me. [ laughter ] and i love my family. we're really close genetically. [ laughter ] and i got my sense of humor from my mother and that's why she doesn't have one anymore. [ laughter ] my mom is an actress, so i was raised by her understudy. [ laughter ] and i grew up right here in new york. well, long island. [ cheers ] roslyn, yeah?

[ cheers ] 110 farmdale lane? [ laughter ] when i was little, i had buck teeth and these thick coke bottle glasses but they were the cheap-o kind. they were rc cola. [ laughter ] and -- i wanted to be a go-go dancer. or a notary public. i couldn't decide. and my sister and i had a lemonade stand with a two drink minimum and -- [ laughter ] -- once a week, we had family game night. but, we just played head games, so -- [ light laughter ] speaking of family, i'm extra nervous because i haven't performed in a while because i took last year off to have a baby. [ cheers and applause ] that didn't happen. [ laughter ]

i did eat for two. and this woman asked me if i was pregnant and i'm like, "no, but i'm expecting an apology." [ laughter ] never ask a woman if she's pregnant, even if she's crowning. [ laughter ] i can have children, according to my lease, but -- [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] but, if i had had a baby, i definitely would have breastfed it. yeah. because i don't know how to cook. [ laughter ] i do have two stepsons and they are the loves of my life. they are 12 and 15, i think. [ laughter ] and they just started really communicating with me, saying things like, "i don't have to listen to you." [ laughter ] "you're not my mother." you know, 'cause they hear my husband saying that to me and they think it's okay. [ laughter and applause ]